If you’ve been anywhere near my Instagram account lately or have spoken to me IRL, you’ll know that I recently modelled nude. I spoke about taking my clothes off in this previous blog, but this time I actually let someone take photos of the event. Strap yourself in: this is my experience as a nude model in Mexico City.
Trigger warning: there are naked pics in this post but don’t panic, all the good stuff is blurred.
Being a Fangirl Sometimes Pays Off
I met Felix D’Eon on Instagram. He’s an incredible gay artist based in Mexico City, and one of his many talents is drawing fat gay/bisexual women looking sexy AF. As a fat, sexy, bisexual woman who loves looking at other fat, sexy women, I was instantly hooked on the way he paints us. I shared some of my favourites on my Instagram story, and being the excellent human he is, he messaged me to thank me for doing so.
We got chatting and I told him that I’m proud of my soft body and that it fills me with joy to see someone flaunting our figures in a way that many of us chubby gals don’t feel comfortable doing in our day-to-day lives. Then, he asked if he could paint me nude and without even stopping to think I SAID YES. What a massive bloody honour to be asked to model for such a talented artist. So, we set a date and a time, I waxed/shaved/moisturised my entire body, and I got ready to strip off in front of a stranger from the internet (sorry, mum).
Folding my Knickers in a Stranger’s Studio
On the day that I went to meet Felix, I was kinda nervous, because if I’m completely honest I’m still not 100% in love with my body. I still hold on to a little bit of shame about how much I jiggle, so the thought of exposing myself to Felix, his camera, and his 70,000 Instagram followers was definitely a little scary.
But, when I arrived I immediately felt at ease with Felix. He’s kind, warm, gorgeous, and instantly likable. He’s absolutely one of those people that you want to be BFFs with, you know? After a bit of small talk, Felix asked me if I was still willing to pose nude. My answer was yes, so I started to undress as we continued to chat. And then, as soon as I finished neatly folding my knickers on the floor of his studio, we got to it.
If You say You Haven’t Ever Sent a Nude You’re Lying
Anyone who’s ever sent a nude (if you say you haven’t, you’re lying) knows that it takes 100 attempts to make sure your body looks its best. Stomach sucked in, ass pushed out, tits presented as perkily as possible. But this was different. It wasn’t about looking sexy, it was about finding the confidence to just let my body do its thing.
For my first pose, I stood strong and tall for a warrior goddess painting that Felix was planning. It was the perfect way to start the session and I felt brave and confident. The next pose was seated with my tummy squished up in a way that I’m struggling not to call unflattering.
We did a total of around ten poses, and I enjoyed every single one of them. I was completely comfortable in nothing but my flesh, and I felt womanly, serene, and powerful throughout. Felix told me I looked beautiful and I believed him. As I lie on his studio floor, body spread long for his camera, I forgot all about the bits of my body that I don’t like so much. Instead, I focused on the feeling of pride that was surging through my body. When we were done I cycled home from Felix’ studio with a huge smile on my face. Energy surged through me and I felt incredibly free.
The Morning After the Night Before
The next morning Felix sent me some of the images from our shoot and my feelings were hugely contradictory. On one hand, I loved them. I loved what they represented and how he’d arranged my body so perfectly in every shot. And I thought I looked truly beautiful in a couple of them. But in a few others, I couldn’t look at them objectively, and I fought a strong urge to be cruel to myself. The unflattering one of my squished tummy was my biggest challenge. As I stared at the photo the word fat ran round in my head like some sort of anti-mantra.
Felix shared the images, including the squishy one, in his Instagram stories (with my consent obviously). I also shared a note in my own story, telling my followers where to find the nudes if they wanted to see them. I then spent the rest of the morning freaking out, wondering who’d looked at them and what they thought of me. Did they cringe when they saw the photos? Were they shocked by how I look without clothes? Did they wonder why I’d feel ok showing off my body when it looks like dough?
I was worried that my family would be ashamed of me for choosing to put naked pictures of myself on the internet. I was wondering whether friends would be as cruel about my body as I’m trying hard not to be. I was worried that the guy I was seeing would look at them and be shocked, because he’s only ever seen my body in the carefully curated ways I’d chosen to reveal it to him. That’s a lot of internal dialogue to deal with, and sometimes I wonder why I put myself in these situations.
Hey, why do You put Yourself in These Situations, Sophie?
Well, dear reader, if I didn’t, I’d have fuck all to blog about. JOKING (sort of).
I wanted to do it because how else will I get to a place of truly loving myself if I don’t keep pushing my boundaries? How will young women coming up behind us avoid the same fate of being ashamed of their bodies? There has to be some dialogue to counteract the bullshit fat shaming that still has a strong grip on the internet (and society in general), and I want to be a part of that conversation.
Also, how cool will it be to look back on these photos in years to come, to see my 31-year-old body looking pretty peng! Like how Rose off Titanic did, but without all the tragedy and that.
I can’t wait to see what Felix does with these photos. His artwork is beyond beautiful and it screams love, acceptance, and positivity. I’m so proud to have modelled for him, and my worries that followed the experience clearly show that we need more people like him shouting about the beauty of the female body in all its forms. Loads of us struggle to feel beautiful in our own skin and THAT MUST STOP. Even though my body will never be ‘good enough’ for Victoria’s Secret or whoever the fuck else has beef with fat babes taking their clothes off, that’s absolutely ok. Because they’re not good enough for me either.
Here are some of the photos I love the most…
Have you ever modelled nude? Do you also love looking at sexy fat babes? Wow, we have so much in common! Holler at me in the comments so we can be BFFs.
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