I haven’t posted a blog in quite some time because I’ve been busy planning my move to Mexico. Well, that’s a lie. I didn’t plan at all, I just showed up here without a clue.

In my last post I wrote about how a lack of preparation bit me in the ass on last year’s trip to South America, but did I learn a lesson from that experience? No, I did not. Instead, I have continued to do everything at the last possible moment and be plagued by the inevitably annoying AF consequences.

In all honesty, I had expected to be a little more ‘on it’ for this trip: this isn’t my first solo adventure and as an experienced digital nomad (eugh that sounds so douchy) I thought I’d float through the pre-travel phase with the greatest of ease.

NOPE.

The day before I went to the airport I was losing my shit. I had lots of work to do, I hadn’t bought everything I needed, and I hadn’t even thought about packing. I had totally screwed myself, and not in a fun way.

My colossal disorganisation and resulting franticness have given me the following problemas:

• I’m a bitch – if you encountered me in the two weeks leading up to my trip, you might have thought to yourself, “why is she being such an awful person?”. Well, my shitty attitude is because I’m living my best life and moving to Mexico for six months, obviously. Realising my dreams pisses me off, apparently. Soz.
• Excessive boozing – this is my preferred relaxation method during trying times. At a recent BBQ, I drank a whole box of wine to myself. That’s 2.5 litres of vino. Plus a couple of cans of John Smiths because I’m from the north of England. Plus gin and some shots because I’m a fun time gal. The next morning I woke up completely naked apart from a full face of makeup and some huge gold hoop earrings. Quite the sight.
• Stupidity – when I’m feeling stressy I can’t complete simple tasks, and I behaved like a complete idiot for the entirety of last month. Many possessions were lost and many mistakes were made. I seriously should’ve had my driving license taken off me until I’d calmed the fuck down: navigating roundabouts almost claimed my life more than once in the runup to Mexico.
• Packing issues – once again, I have failed at packing. I’ve brought 26KG of belongings with me and a fairly large portion of that is absolutely useless. I mean, did I really need seven pairs of shoes and six shades of nail varnish? Probably not.
• Gluttony – I was in an all day, every day eating competition with myself. If I was using my hands to shovel mountains of beige food into my greedy mouth, I didn’t need to worry about using them to pack/research/book shit. This has resulted in me having booked no shit, and also having no clothes with me that fit (wearing denim that’s one size too small in 30-degree heat is currently ruining my life).
• Risk of death – have I even got the relevant vaccinations? What diseases do they have in Mexico? Am I protected against them? I forgot to check with my doctor, so who knows. But if I die, mine will surely be the first recorded death by disorganisation.

If anyone ever needs advice on how not to plan for a trip, please let me know: I’m an expert on fucking it up. Will I ever learn, though? Probably not.

Also, if anyone would like to become my PA and help me navigate my life, please let me know. I can pay you in hugs and dirty jokes.