If you’ve ever read this blog before, you’ll know that I’ve had major troubles with Medellín dating. But today I learned that my man troubles were nothing compared to what Colombian ladies have to deal with.

See, they have to deal with people like Austen Summers. Austen is a ‘dating coach’ and he runs a program where he teaches fuckwits how to pick up women in Medellín. Austen and his gang prowl around Medellín seeking out single Colombian women to harass (actually, they don’t even need to be single).

See, Colombian beauty is the stuff of legend, and with good reason. But sadly, this beauty attracts many, many vile men to Medellín to meet Colombian singles (again, they don’t always have to be single). They’re not necessarily looking for a Colombian wife, either: it seems they’re often just looking to fuck with Medellín girls because it makes them feel good about themselves or something.   

Austen has made a 45 minute documentary about his week-long program for picking up girls in Medellín. I watched it all (it was painful) and picked out all the bits that made me rage the hardest. You’re welcome.

Day 1 – Theory Followed by Practice in the Field

Fuck knows what theory entailed. Probably loads of machismo rubbish about how women should be grateful for being pounced on by a salivating man with shit lines and overinflated egos.

After their morning in the classroom was over, the fellas went off to practice in the field. Yes, that’s right, these guys are actively gamifying women. We are sport to them. Practice in the field apparently just means bothering women all afternoon on a pathetic mission to get phone numbers. 

At one point, Austen says that it’s good to get aroused when you’re talking to women because “you’ll have more dick behind what you’re saying”. Eugh.

Day 2: Hassling Women on the Street and also in Malls Again

At one point during day two, one of the fuck-nuggets on the course FOLLOWS A WOMAN DOWN THE STREET. She is visually uncomfortable and clearly trying to get away from him but he continues his barrage of bullshit. The footage cuts halfway through the chase – I assume to hide the escalating fuckery.

Later, when the bros are back in the classroom, Austen comments that there should be more English words invented to describe being in a relationship. It seems that “I have a boyfriend” just isn’t enough information for him and his merry band of dickheads. Is that because it makes it difficult for them to decide how much effort it’s worth putting in with their prospects/victims? 

Like…

Less than one month dating: We recommend following the girl down the street while hassling her for her social media details. When she looks super uncomfortable, placate her by pretending it’s because you want to talk to her about your upcoming holiday to Switzerland.

More than three months: Why not back her into a corner and try and woo her in English even though you know full well that she only speaks Spanish (she ain’t worth learning a language for, bro).

Over a year: Fuck it. Just say “boom boom” to her and hope for the best.

*the men in this documentary did all three of these things.

During day two of pick up school, we learn about pull talk. What’s pull talk, I hear you wondering…

“It’s light fun chatting on the way home that keeps her in an adventure state so she feels good emotions and she’s not overly logically thinking. If you’re very silent with her walking home these thoughts are naturally going to arise. Where are we going? Where are my friends?”

Is Austen recommending that you bombard her with idiotic rambling so she doesn’t actually realise she’s going home with you? Maybe the idea is to not let her stop to think whether going to your place is safe or whether she might be about to do something she regrets? Just keep your eye on the prize, buddy. Because her feelings don’t matter as long as you get your dick wet and you leave Austen a good review on his website. Right?

Day 3: Austen Finds a Way to Talk about Slapping Women

This part of the video starts sort of nicely. Austen our charismatic leader is banging on about giving the girl a great experience. Finally, some focus on what the woman wants. Hoorah!! Austen then goes on to give an example of how to give a girl a great experience:

“If a girl’s fantasy is a rape fantasy or being slapped in bed, you give her what she craves. If she wants you to be more dominant with her, if she wants you to put her in her place then you have to do that”.

Now, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with having rape fantasies. And there’s absolutely a time and a place for a dominant man. But come on, Austen, why couldn’t you have said, “Go on a day trip”, or “take a cooking class” or literally anything else in the entire world. You just needed to think about putting a woman in her place, didn’t you?

Day 4: Hike Day

This section is just a bunch of shit men on a hike making jokes about big vaginas, poo, and tree jizz (I don’t know). 

At one point they climb over a fence on to private property while shouting “we don’t take no for an answer on this trip”. Is that a metaphor?

Day 5: Creeping on a College Campus

Day five begins with a montage of Austen and his main pickup artist protégé prowling around talking shit to more unsuspecting women. It doesn’t seem like anything new but then BOOM – this screen appears:

Yep. These tosspots had spent the morning hassling young women who were simply trying to get an education. Male students had complained to college security that their female peers were being harassed by creepy dudes. Thank fuck for those male students.

Smart move though, Austen. If you distract those women long enough that they miss class they might fuck up their education. And without that they’ll find it much harder to rise up against you, won’t they? Well played.

Day 6: More Obnoxious ‘Flirting’

In this section the guys joke about spiking drinks, make a homophobic joke, then say this in their hilarious subtitles:

I have nothing else to say about day six.

Day 7: The Big Party

This is what Austen et al have been working up to. Today’s the day for the big shindig to celebrate their…well, I’m not sure actually.

This section begins with one tosser speaking about the fact that Colombia is better than the U.S because girls don’t give him shit in Colombia and there are no SJW (social justice warriors). This is offensive on several levels (message me if you need me to list them for you), but what this guy is basically saying is that he perceives women in Colombia to be oppressed and that makes his mouth water.

In other news, the party was apparently dope. I guess we’ll have to take their word for it.

Here is My Conclusion

Hate is a strong word that I never use lightly. That being said…

I hate the patriarchy. I hate being treated like a commodity. I hate seeing women being hounded and harassed when they’re just trying to go about their daily business. And I really fucking hate Austen Summers’ Medellín Immersion program.

I was so disappointed to see that Austen’s Medellín pickup documentary has thousands of views and that so many of the comments are in support of the dangerous shite that he’s pushing. Thankfully, a couple of days after I posted this article Austen de-listed the video. But, I’m sure he’ll re-share it once the heat he’s getting has died down (the story of him harassing women in Medellin made national news in Colombia). So, friends, this is your call to action. Follow this link and REPORT THE VIDEO so that it gets taken down for good. Gracias.

Do you have any Medellín dating horror stories at the hands of one of these assholes? Have you ever been a victim of a pick-up artist? Let me know in the comments.

Wanna read some lighthearted stuff to get the awful taste of patriarchy out of your mouth?

Here’s a story about hating mountains

Here are my thoughts on Tinder

Here’s why solo travel is the tits